by Talia

Survivor

December 11, 2016 in My Blog

I’ve talked about this issue before, well not really but it’s time I come clean. My therapist told me I need to write it all down and get it out, but every time I go to words fail me. So hopefully I can get it all out here, for both my sake and your own. No one should go through what I went to, and maybe by telling you this it’ll help you get out of a possibly bad situation. Coming to terms with this has been extremely difficult, and I wish it was just a dream, but it wasn’t.

When I was in 11th grade I was recovering from depression. I was gaining self confidence and finding myself. So when on October 31st a guy asked for my number, I was so happy. This was the first time a guy showed interest in me. So when he asked me to go to his big soccer game the next day I did. Halloween was on a Friday that year, so the game was on that Saturday. I sat through the freezing cold, to watch a guy i just met play soccer. After the game I went over to him and said “Hi”, he gave me a hug and I left. That was the start to our soon to be six month relationship.  That Sunday he came over and we watched the Disney movie Frozen together. After it was over he went home and texted me asking me to be his Ana, I said yes. On November 2nd it was official, we were dating. I had my first ever boyfriend.

The next weekend I was invited over to his house to watch a movie. This was before “Netflix and Chill” was a thing. I had my first kiss that day/ my first make-out session. Basically my first kiss was a make-out session. The next time I went over to his house (the next weekend) we watched another movie. HIs room was in the basement so we had the whole floor to ourselves. During the movie we started kissing, no big deal, but pretty soon he started feeling me up. I went home confused, I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t ready to have sex, I knew that much. I was only sixteen and he was seventeen. I wanted to wait, I wanted to wait for the right person, I still do.  A week later we had the talk. I was away picking my sister up from college, so like most major events of our relationship this conversation happened over text. At this point we weren’t even dating for a month, but I knew sooner or later this conversation would happen. He asked me what I thought about sex, so I was honest with him. I told him that i wanted to wait, I wasn’t ready to have sex yet. I wanted to make sure it was with the right person. He told me that he understood, that he felt the same way, and that was the end of it. The next week when we hung out (once again in his basement) we went to third base, in other words he stuck his hands down my pants. I went home confused. I was his girlfriend I was supposed to let him do things to me, but I didn’t like it. I didn’t know what to think or do, so I did nothing at all.

We’re going to fast forward a little bit now, and not really go by months anymore. This will just be events that happened. In the beginning I never told him no, I never said yes either. I just did nothing. Eventually he would start doing stuff, sticking his hands down my pants whenever he felt like it. In the basement, in the car with my parents, on the couch next to his Grandmother. He didn’t care, but me on the other hand I started to feel disgusted with myself. I didn’t want him touching me, but I didn’t do anything about it.  One day we were standing in the kitchen area of his basement. I was getting ready to leave, and we were just goofing off. I was playfully spinning around in his arms and dancing side to side. Eventually he grabbed me and brought me in for a kiss, just a small peck on the lips. It was nice. When he pulled away he started kissing my neck and stuck his hands down my pants and started to touch me. “Bob no” (Bob is not his real name) “Bob stop it”. He stopped kissing me and looked at me, and then with a smirk on his face said “Come on, I know you like it”. The he proceeded to touch me. “Bob no stop it”. He eventually stopped, and I made him take me home.

A while after that we went ice skating. It was really fun, but after five minutes he pulled me off the ice saying he wanted to show me something. He brought me into the boys locker room and took off my coat. He started to feel me up again and touch me, whilst sucking on my breast. In the middle of a locker room. Eventually he took me out to his truck and tried to convince my to have sex with him. He was undressing me in his front seat. His dad caught us though, I don’t know what would’ve happened other wise. Eventually he started to touch me in places where i couldn’t say no, because someone would notice. This includes me being in the car with my family and sitting next to my little brother. He put his coat over my lap and stuck his hand down my pants and started to touch me. Every time I would pull his hand away  he would put it back, until he was done with his “game”.

I started to make up reasons why I couldn’t see him. And when my parents asked why he wasn’t coming over I lied and said he was busy. This went on for months, probably around four. We eventually broke up, but he didn’t know why. He didn’t think he did anything wrong, still doesn’t. What he did was sexual assault. He did it for months. I have recently excepted the fact that this happened, as it was two years ago. Up until this year I never labeled it, I still hate calling it sexual assault because I loved him. I actually cared for this monster who hurt me and betrayed my trust.

My point is that you have a voice. This man robbed me of mine, he took away my voice. He didn’t let me have a say in my body. This was not a healthy relationship, it was extremely toxic, and it took me six months to realize that. Don’t let yourself get trapped into a relationship like this, you deserve so much better.  You are beautiful and you have a voice. Don’t be afraid to use it. It’s your body and your choice. If you’re  not ready to have sex don’t be afraid to say no, don’t ever let anyone use you like I let Bob use me. Don’t be afraid to use your voice, you have it for a reason.

-Talia

by Talia

Help?

July 1, 2016 in My Blog

I think I may have a problem, and I don’t know what to do about it. I try not to do it but I find myself doing it anyway and it’s not healthy. I’ve always been small, I’m small boned I get it from my fathers side of the family. I’m shorter only 5’4 and according to my doctor due to my high metabolism i’m not underweight.  Which is fine if the doctor says i’m healthy than i’m healthy but i don’t feel like some of my habits are. When I entered middle school I weighed 56 pounds, and when i entered my freshman year of high school i didn’t even weigh 100 pounds. Due to this i was bullied, the upperclassmen called me anorexic and i became obsessed with my weight because of it. It got to the point where I didn’t let anyone talk about my eating habits or my weight. It was and still is off limits.

Fast forward to 10th grade I was depressed. I hated myself and I wanted to die. I started to skip meals, I ate so little but my parents never questioned it. I hated the doctors for every time i stepped on the scale the nurses gave me a disapproving look. being 5’4 and less than 100 pounds was not good. No one questioned it though, and i did start to eat more after some convincing from my friend. It’s not like I meant to skip meals though, I just forgot. I didn’t feel hungry and no one forced me to eat.

Now in 2016 i am still 5’4 and i weigh 101.6 pounds according to my scale. I realized something about my eating habits, i can control how much i eat. If something makes me upset i won’t eat and not be affected that much by it, but sometimes i do the opposite and shove my face full until i want to puke. I often have to be reminded to eat and am often questioned on if i ate. I can easily avoid those questions, my mom never makes me eat.

I was really upset the other day. I had a party and no one showed and it hurt me a lot. People who said they were coming didn’t and with no reason. I forgot to eat, or didn’t feel like eating. After three days of not having a proper meal I ate some MnM candy. It felt like I had pebbles in my stomach. That’s not a good feeling, and as I sit here right now skipping yet another meal I realize this isn’t really normal. I’m scared it’s getting out of control, like i’m losing the little control I have left of my life. Every time I stand up I get really dizzy and my vision goes black. The thought of eating grosses me out and seeing food makes me sick.

I don’t know what to do. A normal person would just talk to their parents but my mom doesn’t care. She does but she does’t want to get me helped. I have talked to her before about me seeing a therapist and she said she didn’t want her daughter to be taking anti-depressants. Any other person would just eat but I can’t. I look in the mirror and i can count my ribs and i feel disgusted but i can’t bring myself to eat. I really don’t know what to do and it seems like no one even cares. All i know is that in a few short months i’m going to go to college and no one is going to remind me to eat.

-Talia

 

Network-wide options by YD - Freelance Wordpress Developer

Skip to toolbar