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18

June 27, 2016 in My Blog

I turn 18 tomorrow. In honor of that “amazing” birthday which will involve me being alone just like I always am let’s have a recap of my year! Although there isn’t much to recap I just need to write because everything around me is crumbling and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I was a senior in high school this year, yay! I’m finally out of that hell hole. Although I don’t feel like it at the moment. I was almost two years clean from self harm but then I got waitlisted from my top choice college and became a disappointment so that ended. I stood up for myself for once, against someone who was making me feel like crap. Who happened to be my friend so clearly I didn’t learn my lesson from last year or i’m just to trusting. Probably both. I got into a super bad fight with my dad after he accused me of drinking and doing drugs–which I don’t. I failed out of college English, correction I was politely asked to leave or I would fail the 12th grade. I have never failed anything in my life. My best friend is god who knows where and I feel so alone and I can’t do anything about it. I’m pretty sure my depression is back, I slept all day today and nobody even questioned it. I hate myself, i hate how no one notices me. I dyed my hair blue you think they would notice. And I hate how people think so little of me like I’m not a person. I hate how one of my best friends didn’t even have the decency to show up to my graduation party. I hate how I was put on the back burner for someone else. I ate how people don’t think I actually feel. I hate how I was bullied. I hate myself for being bullied. I hate how theres nothing anyone can do about anything to make me even feel a little bit normal and I hate how I have to keep all this inside because if i don’t my parents will just give me that look and say “thats life”. I hate the deck of cards I’ve been dealt and I feel like “god” if there is one is laughing in my face right now because of m=how much my life is a joke.

Most important than anything else. You want to know what I really hate? More than anything else in the world. I hate how I can have bright pink “scratch” marks going up my whole arm and no one will say anything. Not my family, not my friends who know I cut, not teachers, not my guidance counselor, not anyone. I hate how no-one can see how desperate I am just for a hug, because it’ll mean somebody cares. I guess no one really cares about me after all. I also hate how i’m only turning 18. I have so many years ahead of me but right now I don’t want to see any of them.

Not that anyone actually cares about this but oh well.

-Talia

4 responses to 18

  1. H.B.D

  2. We have something in common I have these brown thick stretch marks on all over the place I googled it and it said to use Aloe and rub it and it will fade I haven’t been able to try yet because my mom says I don’t need it but if she only knew how ugly it makes me feel but anyway happy belated birthday I hope life gets better
    Sincerely yours truly TT

  3. I feel like we have a few things in common: under 5’4 during our senior year and under 101.6 pounds during freshman year. I understand a little bit, a tiny fraction of what you are going through and I think that you should find a distraction, a helpful and healthy one. try keeping yourself away from your thoughts and keep yourself busy at all times. at some point you will start getting better without even realizing it. I swear to you that there were days when I’ve wanted to give up too but I decided to give me a chance so give yourself a chance. don’t forget to Ignore the people who seem to ignore you… even If sometimes those people are your parents.

  4. Dear Talia,

    Belated happy birthday to you..mine was on june as well..
    okay i am really terrible at making someone feel better…
    anyways
    ”I hate how one of my best friends didn’t even have the decency to show up to my graduation party. ” You metioned this in the second para …
    one of your friends didnt show up..so the others did..? Are they your friends……?

    Okay let me tell you one thing straight … I wont be able to really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion to you from here..

    i do care about you..i really really do… even if you dont bother reading this or dont believe me.. you will thing whatever i say is..CRAP…but it wont affect me in any way ..

    YOU NEED TO STOP cutting! I beg you! if you one to change that..trying drawing on your hands with a pen instead…just dont CUT

    When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.

    You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.

    Maybe you need to stop hating….so much…people will surely notice you one day..i promise that
    you are a strong girl..i know it ..very strong .

    You have a 200-pound gorilla on your back constantly. Most people would roll over and give up, coping with booze, pot, and sedatives. Not you. You get up and fight it each day.

    If there is anything that is possible for me to help you, let me know

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