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by Talia

Help?

July 1, 2016 in My Blog

I think I may have a problem, and I don’t know what to do about it. I try not to do it but I find myself doing it anyway and it’s not healthy. I’ve always been small, I’m small boned I get it from my fathers side of the family. I’m shorter only 5’4 and according to my doctor due to my high metabolism i’m not underweight. ¬†Which is fine if the doctor says i’m healthy than i’m healthy but i don’t feel like some of my habits are. When I entered middle school I weighed 56 pounds, and when i entered my freshman year of high school i didn’t even weigh 100 pounds. Due to this i was bullied, the upperclassmen called me anorexic and i became obsessed with my weight because of it. It got to the point where I didn’t let anyone talk about my eating habits or my weight. It was and still is off limits.

Fast forward to 10th grade I was depressed. I hated myself and I wanted to die. I started to skip meals, I ate so little but my parents never questioned it. I hated the doctors for every time i stepped on the scale the nurses gave me a disapproving look. being 5’4 and less than 100 pounds was not good. No one questioned it though, and i did start to eat more after some convincing from my friend. It’s not like I meant to skip meals though, I just forgot. I didn’t feel hungry and no one forced me to eat.

Now in 2016 i am still 5’4 and i weigh 101.6 pounds according to my scale. I realized something about my eating habits, i can control how much i eat. If something makes me upset i won’t eat and not be affected that much by it, but sometimes i do the opposite and shove my face full until i want to puke. I often have to be reminded to eat and am often questioned on if i ate. I can easily avoid those questions, my mom never makes me eat.

I was really upset the other day. I had a party and no one showed and it hurt me a lot. People who said they were coming didn’t and with no reason. I forgot to eat, or didn’t feel like eating. After three days of not having a proper meal I ate some MnM candy. It felt like I had pebbles in my stomach. That’s not a good feeling, and as I sit here right now skipping yet another meal I realize this isn’t really normal. I’m scared it’s getting out of control, like i’m losing the little control I have left of my life. Every time I stand up I get really dizzy and my vision goes black. The thought of eating grosses me out and seeing food makes me sick.

I don’t know what to do. A normal person would just talk to their parents but my mom doesn’t care. She does but she does’t want to get me helped. I have talked to her before about me seeing a therapist and she said she didn’t want her daughter to be taking anti-depressants. Any other person would just eat but I can’t. I look in the mirror and i can count my ribs and i feel disgusted but i can’t bring myself to eat. I really don’t know what to do and it seems like no one even cares. All i know is that in a few short months i’m going to go to college and no one is going to remind me to eat.

-Talia

 

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