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by Talia

Help?

July 1, 2016 in My Blog

I think I may have a problem, and I don’t know what to do about it. I try not to do it but I find myself doing it anyway and it’s not healthy. I’ve always been small, I’m small boned I get it from my fathers side of the family. I’m shorter only 5’4 and according to my doctor due to my high metabolism i’m not underweight.  Which is fine if the doctor says i’m healthy than i’m healthy but i don’t feel like some of my habits are. When I entered middle school I weighed 56 pounds, and when i entered my freshman year of high school i didn’t even weigh 100 pounds. Due to this i was bullied, the upperclassmen called me anorexic and i became obsessed with my weight because of it. It got to the point where I didn’t let anyone talk about my eating habits or my weight. It was and still is off limits.

Fast forward to 10th grade I was depressed. I hated myself and I wanted to die. I started to skip meals, I ate so little but my parents never questioned it. I hated the doctors for every time i stepped on the scale the nurses gave me a disapproving look. being 5’4 and less than 100 pounds was not good. No one questioned it though, and i did start to eat more after some convincing from my friend. It’s not like I meant to skip meals though, I just forgot. I didn’t feel hungry and no one forced me to eat.

Now in 2016 i am still 5’4 and i weigh 101.6 pounds according to my scale. I realized something about my eating habits, i can control how much i eat. If something makes me upset i won’t eat and not be affected that much by it, but sometimes i do the opposite and shove my face full until i want to puke. I often have to be reminded to eat and am often questioned on if i ate. I can easily avoid those questions, my mom never makes me eat.

I was really upset the other day. I had a party and no one showed and it hurt me a lot. People who said they were coming didn’t and with no reason. I forgot to eat, or didn’t feel like eating. After three days of not having a proper meal I ate some MnM candy. It felt like I had pebbles in my stomach. That’s not a good feeling, and as I sit here right now skipping yet another meal I realize this isn’t really normal. I’m scared it’s getting out of control, like i’m losing the little control I have left of my life. Every time I stand up I get really dizzy and my vision goes black. The thought of eating grosses me out and seeing food makes me sick.

I don’t know what to do. A normal person would just talk to their parents but my mom doesn’t care. She does but she does’t want to get me helped. I have talked to her before about me seeing a therapist and she said she didn’t want her daughter to be taking anti-depressants. Any other person would just eat but I can’t. I look in the mirror and i can count my ribs and i feel disgusted but i can’t bring myself to eat. I really don’t know what to do and it seems like no one even cares. All i know is that in a few short months i’m going to go to college and no one is going to remind me to eat.

-Talia

 

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