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Daddy issues

April 1, 2015 in My Blog

So today I am feeling unexpectedly down, but this hasn’t been a good week to say the most. Yes I’m aware of the fact it’s only Tuesday. So I’ve decided to share a secret with y’ll in hopes to feeling better.

So it’s no surprise I don’t like my dad, as he’s homophobic among other things. What comes to a surprise is that I used to be a “Daddy’s Girl”. So let’s get started shall we?

When I was in the third grade my Great grandfather and Great Grandmother died- they were more like my grandparents though sense my mom’s parents died before I even came into the picture. Anyways The died with in week’s of each other, and at their funeral I could not bring myself to shed any tears. I hated myself so much for it, resented myself, thought I was a horrible person. So I promised myself I would never cry again- little did my nine year old self know that promise would be broken over and over again. I also couldn’t imagine anything worse happening, until it did and my world came crashing down.

Fourth grade towards the end of the year, my dad decided it was time to tell us he was diagnosed with cancer. I still remember sitting on the couch hearing those words and thinking that my dad was going to die. I broke my no crying promise that day, the start to a long serious of many broken promises. My dad told us he had cancer in his leg- it was a lie I didn’t find out where he had cancer until last year. Anyways he had surgery, got it removed and proceeded with chemotherapy and radiation treatment. He seemed to be getting better. But things started to get worse. My parents started fighting more and more, I could hear them at night arguing in their room- which is right next to mine. I remember one night it was pretty bad my mom and dad were locked in their room screaming at each other. So I brought my older sister and baby brother into my room where we shared a bag of popcorn and played together until the fighting stopped.

Fifth grade was fine. I don’t really remember why, but for some reason my teacher was informed of my situation with my dad. She understood she went through the same thing with her dad. Pretty soon I grew really attached to her and started to eat my lunch in her class room. I remember sitting across from her desk pulling out my lunch and talking to her. Chocking down the tears on the touchy subjects and even crying to her when it was too much to handle. Having her comfort me, she was better then the school counselor. She was my friend. Sadly after I graduated elementary school it was hard to keep in touch with her. I would go back each year to see her during the open houses until one year I went and she wasn’t there. I have no clue what happened to her, she could be dead for all I know. Although I hope she isn’t she’s such a kind caring person.

In six grade my dad went on a “trip”, so my aunt came to babysit me and my siblings. Apparently they missed some of the cancer during the first surgery so he had to go to this special place to get the rest removed. And it was the same all over again. Watching my dad grow sick as he was pelted with radiation trying to make sure the cancer was gone for good.My dad was different too, don’t get me wrong he had always had a temper but this was worse then before. He would start to get mad and yell and scream for no reason. Finally after some ease dropping and snooping I found out my dad had an hormonal imbalance, although i had no clue what that meant at the time.  But basically my dads hormone levels were dangerously low, so they started him on hormones. And my dad physically became a teenager again. With lots of facial hair and pimples.

Seventh grade nothing happened so let’s just skip it all together. Eighth grade nothing really happened, besides me being introduced to the cancer community at relay for life. My dad also had another cancer scare after a cat scan showed a spot on his lungs. I almost forget, my other Aunt was diagnosed with cancer too. I took it harder then I took my dads. She’s fine though her mom and dad were both doctors and she received the best treatment she could. Somewhere during all this my anger towards my dad started building up.

Ninth grade my dad started stressing how he wanted my sister and I to be tested fr cancer, that we were at risk the most to get it. Not knowing any better I thought it was normal that you could inherit cancer, I didn’t find out differently until the next year. Also ninth grade i went through a hard time with the people in my school, and started lashing out on my parents.

Tenth grade the truth came out all due to science class. We were talking about cancer and how it was caused. “Cancer isn’t genetic unless it’s in the sex cells”. I questioned my mom about it and it turned out my dad lied to us. (If you have seen the Fault in Our Stars, this may sound familiar) Turns out my dad had cancer in his balls, and the surgery’s he had were to remove them. He was ashamed to admit it because he thought it made him less of a man. Something snapped inside me that day and I blamed everything on my dad. I blamed him for getting cancer and possibly giving it to me, blamed him for tearing the family apart. I blamed everything I could on him. Due to this I started to get more angry and angry. I was having a hard time in school and he wouldn’t let me drop out and switch to online school, so I took my anger out on him. I started lashing out on him. One morning I went downstairs for breakfast- I don’t really remember why but we started going at it. We were yelling to each other standing face to face glaring at each other. Waiting for each other to back down but being to stubborn to back down. I would like to say he backed down first but I did when he almost slapped me, so I ran away. That was the first time my dad even made a move to harm me- besides spankings when I was little- and I was scared of him.

 

Finally we are all caught up to eleventh grade. This year has been going pretty smoothly. My dad did have another cancer scare when he found a lump on his lymph nod. It was removed and tested and came back negative for cancer. Things between my dad and I haven’t gotten better to say the least. My dad said it was a mistake having me and often mutters how he wishes he didn’t have kids. He also threatened to break my jaw the other day. I avoid my dad at all costs, seeing as my friend for a long time just recently came out and I don’t like hearing his homophobic comments about it.

Yeah so that’s basically it, why I hate my dad. Even though some may argue it’s stupid of me because getting cancer wasn’t his fault. Maybe one day things between my dad and I can get better but I don’t see that happening anytime in the near future to be honest. I’ll be surprised if we don’t argue while he walks me down the isle for my wedding- I’m NOT getting married, just to make that clear. So that about sums everything up so have a nice day or night.

-Tali

16 responses to Daddy issues

  1. I understand about it all I never had a close relationship with my dad or mom she was killed while my dad addicted to drugs

  2. He’s my dad. He means well.

  3. All the things he’s said and done to you are considered abuse; both physical and verbal. They are also illegal and he can lose the rights to be in contact with you. Talk to a trusted adult at school about him and ask them to contact the proper authorities. You will not have to deal with him. Als, try putting your phone in your pocket while videoing the conversation. Doing so will provide more evidence for social services and could make the process move faster.
    Kya

  4. Things actually do get better and I’m sorry you can’t see it. Not everyday is going to be happy, but the moments that are are the memories you will cherish.

  5. wow im sorry. but it does seem like your dad has anger problems but then again it can be hard to go through cancer.

  6. Katy said on June 1, 2015

    i understand you fully! my dad is just as bad(differently but just as bad)
    and it started the day i was born actually he would cheat on my mum and when i was old enough to cause trobule he’d hit me, hitting turned into punching untill one day he tried to choke me, my mum was in a trans-like state and would never see this even if she was in the room, as to the way he behaves towards my friends well lets say i havent invited any of my friends home for three years now,
    keep smiling !
    ever need to talk? message me!

  7. I hate to say it but things won’t get better. I used to be “daddy’s girl” and I used to think that my dad was a hero. and when things go wrong you’re left so confused and pissed off and upset. 12 years of mental emotional and slight physical abuse from my father has only left me better off. it awful trust me I know. therapy is dumb and “depression meds” are even more dumb. your dad sucks. a lot of dad’s do. but you don’t need your dad. sure Father’s Day would be nice to commemorate with your dad but honestly that day will pass and you won’t even flinch. it’s like a break up. you just need to break up with your dad. just live with him while you have to and when it’s time to leave pack your shit and don’t look back. it’ll feel great. though I don’t think you should hate your dad even if you think it’s all his fault because it’s not. yes it’s unfair it’s 100% unfair but everything is unfair.

  8. It’s sad that you and others have to go through this! I have issues with my father as well, and I hate to see it happen to others. STAY STRONG>

  9. dear talia.. I truly understand your situation even though I don’t have any similar kind of issue. all what I would say is that just keep calm for 2minutes and keep your self in your dad’s place.. what would you have done? you know better than anyone that he loves you. get him back before you lose him beyond recovery. forgive him so that you can expect someone else to forgive you after 30years. even I’m an eleventh grader..and trust me life is equally horrific yet good!

  10. ITS OKAY TALI HOPEFULLY NOTHING HAS HAPPEND BETWEEN YOUR DAD THSES COUPLE WEEKS BUT I DONT HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITHMY DAD AS WELL BUT IT’S NOT AS BAD AS URS BUT IF U EVER NEED ANYTHING IM SERIOUSLY HERE ANYTIME YOU NEED ME …….
    GOODNIGHT /GOOD MORNING!!!<3

  11. I know how it feels. A month before I started Kindergarten my grandma died of cancer, then in fourth grade my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and my dad almost left her because HE couldn’t handle it. I still hate him for that. I also am in 11th grade at the moment and if you ever need to talk I’m here.

  12. Hey! I loved reading this. I just wanted to say, I had problems with my dad also. I was mad a him for being an alcoholic and for leaving me. He just gave up when my mom got custody. For the last 2 or 3 years, he has been calling me and texting me. I visit him in florida in the summers. And he told me how he was so sorry and he loved me with his whole heart. I ignored him because I was still angry and didn’t think he was being truthful. He is probably not going to make it through the night. He is brain damaged. I don’t even remember our last conversation. So, I know your dad is giving you troubles, but we waste our words to much on fighting when we may not know if we are gonna wake up. Just a little thought I wanted to share. Stay strong girl-

  13. Hey, I know a little bit of where your coming from and let me just say…you’re handling it better than I could. I’d probably erupt like mount Vesuvius and take the place down with me ;p. My friend told me blogging it out is a good way of slowly working through things. Hence I joined this place. I remember, I opened up to my dad about something and let’s just say his response was colder than the North Pole. If you ever want to chat random awesomeness the address is [hannah22654@yahoo.com] ~Emily (don’t mind the confusing email name) xD

  14. I have daddy issue too, but mine are a little different. But a lot of what you talked about is very similar to my life story outside of the “daddy” thing. I just joined, but when I can, I will be blogging as well! I enjoyed your blog. It’s nice to know others out there in similar shoes and are doing ok.

  15. my mother had cancer. i lost her 3 years ago. we fought all the time and a lot of the times i hated her. but she was there for me. and even though we didn’t get along great i tried to be there for her. i know its hard between you and your dad but if something happens to him don’t let your last words to him be something you regret.

  16. I have issues with my dad too and this is the first entry i’ve read, it was really nice to read something I can relate to! But keep in mind your dad won’t be around forever and you may miss him more than you think you will.

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