by

Finding Myself

August 10, 2015 in My Blog

This summer has been a little on the difficult side for me as I struggled with who I am. I live in the north, so the views in the area I live are as about as old as the trees. So growing up there was no question the I was straight. I’m a girl, I have to like boys. And I’ve always have been accepting of this, but I am also very supportive of the LGBT community as well.

As I got older I started to notice some things. I would find myself starring at my friends (who are girls) and wondering what it would be like to kiss them, but I would quickly shake the thought away as i’m supposed to be straight. As I’ve gotten older I also noticed I started to “check them out” as I would also do with boys. I also started to wonder what it would be like to date them.

When one of my best friends came out as a lesbian two years ago, I got really confused. It was weird to me. I was supportive though, and in my opinion her and her girlfriend are one of the cutest couples I know! I started to question what it would be like for me to be a lesbian. I would still shake the though away knowing that would never be possible, as my father is homophobic (trust me I’m ashamed of it).

When I got my first real boyfriend I put it out of my mind and said it was just me being curious. That was until we broke up and it was back into my mind. This year I started to talk to my best friend about it. What she would think if I liked girls. “You’ll still be my best friend”, she told me. That made me feel a little better about it. But to be honest I was still confused. I was attracted to girls, but I was also attracted to guys. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian, I liked guys to much. So I started to toss around the possibility of me being bisexual in my head. But how was I supposed to know. What if i’m only checking girl out because I wish I looked like them. Am I really attracted to them? The whole idea of it was just so confusing to me.

So I talked about it some more about it with my best friend today, but in the back of my mind I already knew. I just wanted some approval. So this is how our conversation went.

Her- I have a crush on Larry.

Me- I like girls.

Her- What

Me- I like girls. But I also like guys. I’m bisexual.

Her- Oh Okay. That’s cool. I’m proud of you.

She was shocked to say the least. I mean I said it out of no where, but she is very proud of me for finally figuring it out. As I said before we did have a conversation about it, a couple months ago.

So as of today I have officially accepted myself as bisexual. Don’t get me wrong I like guys a lot (like Calum Hood is bae) but I also like girls. Sadly to say even though I have finally come to the conclusion of who I am, I can’t tell my father for his views of the LGBT community are not accepting. As I can’t tell my father I sadly can’t tell anyone in my family for they have similar views. For now I have to keep it on the down low as to who I truly am, but I might tell a few close friends.

Although I have to keep it on the down low about who I truly am I do feel a lot better. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Life can be confusing, especially if you’re struggling with who you are. But once you accept yourself you will start to feel a lot better with yourself. At least that’s what I discovered.

Well this is the story of how I found myself. And hopefully others won’t have to hide who they are like I do for the time being. Just remember who you are is unique and utterly beautiful, so be proud.

-Talia

8 responses to Finding Myself

  1. you conclusion was amazing…

    i kind of have a similair problem ..and crushing on mutiple people at once..no offence seriously.. i never had a boyfriend.. and perverted stuff i think about them
    i heard all this happen because you mostly dont have a boyfriend/real boyfriend
    idk but maybe it is a lifetime gift ..

  2. You’re very strong and bright, and i love how you just accepted who you are. Everything on your path will be very bumpy, i won’t lie to ya. But if you keep your head and heart strong, i believe that you’ll make it without a doubt. You have just added one more supporter to your side. Now then, don’t let me down, ok? I’m rooting for you!!!!

  3. I will be kicked out of the house. I do not need that added to my plate right now. I’m fine with who I am, that all that matters. He’ll find out in time.

  4. Talia,
    This is going to sound crazy, but I think you should tell your father. If he hates you for it, if he tries not to interact with you, or if he ignores you or your needs, you can report him for neglecting you. Follow your heart Talia. Be who you want. Be with who you want.

  5. yeah. Tbh, I have felt the same way about my girl friends, me being a girl as well, and i find it interesting and funny when me and my bestfriend joke of us becoming lesbian for eachother.

  6. I’m 17 and this is just a part of me that I’ve discovered. There’s still so much more to discover about my life. It’ll take time but it’ll be worth it in the long run.

  7. That is a really interesting story. I am still trying to find myself but in a different way. I am curious about life, about love, and about me. I don’t try to rush it but I will take it when it comes.

  8. Hey girl, I’ve had a very similar experience in trying to find myself! I’m very proud of you for taking the time and having the strength to discover who you are. I keep my sexuality on the downlow too but like you said, figuring it out was a huge weight off my shoulders. Keep being you!!

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